God baiting

May 14, 2008

Excuse me for being groggy. I got 5 hours sleep for the second night in a row. The cat is now in the bin. The coffee is half drunk, so fluency should improve during discourse.

I usually wait til after lunch to make my post, giving me time to consider what I might discuss, but today I know what to talk about. I also need a writing warm-up while the coffee finds its way to my veins, which I imagine are something like cable insulation tubing. Combined with my nutritious breakfast of supermarket sushi and kettle chips I’m well on my way to my five a day.

Last night I took part in a pagan ritual with BMF (best male friend, in case any person ever starts reading this. The people I expect to talk about most are him, Best Female Friend, Partner, housefolks, and possibly colleagues and boss). BMF is passionate about his religion, and I am always pleased when he shares this with me. I have taken part in group rituals he’s lead before which have involved a guided meditation to call up the guardian spirits of the elements and the sharing of bread and wine (consecrated bread tastes so much better for some reason) but this was the first time we’d done it by ourselves and at my house.

We chanted to invoke the god Hermes. Chanting something over and over, particularly with at least one other person, puts you in a weird state. I felt blissful, was swaying quite a bit, felt uninhibited. I also felt I couldn’t look up, not that I was afraid to, but that I couldn’t comprehend how much I didn’t deserve to. It was like the top half of the room wasn’t there anymore. I focused on channeling my energy into the offering plate, bowing lower towards it over time as if I was deflating. BMF said after that he could almost see the energy I was pouring out – like the ghost of sand falling from my fingertips. It was exciting.

The purpose of the ritual was to clear communication pathways in my brain and gain clarity of thought. I have long felt that my thoughts were too flitty, I would catch a glimpse of something I’d want to think about but the slightest tap of distraction would dislodge it again and it was back in the cloud. I spend a lot of time wondering where my thoughts have gone (probably early onset alzheimers). I am hoping it will give me the ability to focus properly and develop my creative skills. I have the maturity to know that a carefully considered composition is so much more deep and meaningful than a spontaneous outburst, but I don’t have the confidence to trust myself to work on a big project. I keep saying I should read a lot more first for the experience but it is secondary experience – it is both vital and an excuse.

I also had my cards read. I am about to undergo a major internal change, and must maintain my confidence when people try to knock it because I do have the inner strength to overcome, I just don’t credit myself with having it. Some of the other housefolk had readings but I have not asked them about it yet.