Self-loathing

June 11, 2008

It’s easy and a very dirty habit. I have not had the courage to tell Housefolk Epsilon that I don’t want to live with him any more. I hate creating tension. In fact I hate interacting with HE in any way, which is kind of why I don’t want to live with him. Last night, when Relocation Revisitation was on he mentioned that he’s seen a great house in this out of town suburb he is desperate to move to. I don’t believe the house is for real because it sounds way too cheap for the area. I also refuse to move to that suburb because it is really far away from the city centre (sort of its own town) and all I know about it is that it’s extremely middle class so probably has terrible transport links and everything will be over-priced. It also sickens me because HE once described it as a ‘bastion of whiteness’ whereas I would prefer to pay a little less and not give a crap about the colour of my neighbours.

I hate myself for not calling him on his racism. It is awful, and I do all I can to avoid being anywhere near him in public places but I’m too much of a pussy to call him on it. I’m a strange one in that I tend to only bring smackdowns on my friends, such as when one of the guys said something about not needing ‘gay hypnotism tactics’ and I told him about my vision of the gay tactics lab team working away on their latest hypnotism techniques. In my experience of gay people there aren’t many secret groups like this. The word just jars in my head when people use it in the wrong context like that so I often tell them in the hope that they’ll think about the words they use (or just annoy them into not doing it anymore).

Still, that’s not a very good comparison because the guy who says ‘gay’ is not a homophobe he just has slack language use. Housefolk Epsilon is a deliberate racist. I don’t know why either. I could be he grew up in an incredibly white area. Or that he had prejudiced parents. Or that a person of an ethnic minority did something that hurt him once. Or that he has an inferiority complex so feels the need to class vast sections of society beneath himself, including women, people of colour and queers. Or he’s a massive dumbfuck. Or all of the above.

I used to go out with a guy who gradually revealed himself to be racist. He was also a pig to me and cheated on me several times, so let’s call him an all round bad person. One thing that really gets to me still is that when I phoned him after being mugged in the street and physically attacked the first thing he asked me was ‘was he black?’ Not was I ok or had I called the police yet or anything like that – he was just that keen to get another little anecdote for his arsenal of hate. I wish I had put the phone down on him then and called it quits, I could have saved myself a year of degredation and humiliation, not to mention all the self-loathing afterwards when I realised what a shit he was and what an idiot I must have looked for so long.

Why are so many young people in the UK racist? I don’t understand what excuse they have…

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Like jumping off a cliff into some rapids

June 10, 2008

I have a small amount of dread that I am trying to contain for the sake of beloved who is straining at the seams and could probably use support more than a heap more worry. Soon we will have to move house.

Moving house in the logistical sense is not too bad as we won’t be going far and I have already enlisted the help of a man with a van. Ditching our deadweight housefolks will be emotionally straining (Housefolk Femme has already announced she is leaving). Moving in together as a couple will be nerve-wracking although after two years together sharing a room in the group house I think it will be ok. My partner believes it will leave him friendless but I think the opposite – it will encourage him to see more people more often than just relying on the people he lives with for entertainment and to go places with. I know that he knows people in the area, admittedly not as many as before, but he doesn’t get in contact with them. He’s as bad as I am! I hope it gives me a kick in the arse to do more things for myself too, both in meeting people to hang out with and in working on my personal projects. *sidenote: I am working on the design of my third cross stitch*

Choosing a house to live in will be difficult. It’s not something either of us have done for several years. It will also be the first time we’ve had a real grown up rental and not a student rental, which isn’t that weird because there are people with mortgages at our age but does mean we’ll have to get references, proof of employment and possibly credit checks. We will also have to find a house accepting of moggits. I have been looking on house ads and many of them say ‘no pets’. Some of them say ‘furniture optional’ which I think will be best: if it’s not their furniture they shouldn’t mind if the cat stratches it. We shall see how easy this is when we try to estate agents.

This is all of course in addition to the housing crisis that is currently afflicting the property market. Now I can have my very own little housing crisis.

#sad# stress and effort. I wish I could afford to buy but I have very little savings and a small pay packet (for low stress, good experience work which I like). Significant other doesn’t have a job at all which makes it worse, for I may have to do the whole thing in my name.

On the plus side, with the £4 we will have left over at the end of this we will be able to buy our very own furniture! #oh gods#