Excuses excuses

September 19, 2008

It is so hard to work with a head full of smut. I’ve been researching since I heard a certain women’s magazine takes open submissions for sex stories. After a fasle start I’m almost ready to start writing. You can appreciate how hard that makes it to concentrate on consultancy services.

I’m also excited because my friends are coming to stay for the weekend *yay*


Overcast

July 2, 2008

I feel like the shadow of death is hanging over me at the moment, and it doesn’t help that the sky is thickly overcast. Yesterday I didn’t post because I was too busy having a massive freak-out after my partner told me he’d been quite badly electrocuted by the toaster. I was consumed by the possibility of his death for the rest of the day and as soon as I got home I hugged him and started to cry. This probably confused him quite a lot as it was 6 hours after the incident and he was quite chirpy by then, playing games and enjoying caffeine. It was like the moment when you realise your own mortality. I’d had mine at around the age of six when my great-grandma died and I realised that I wasn’t going to last forever. I was probably too young to include in that the idea that all the people I dearly love will die also.  Losing my parents will of course be devastating when it happens but losing my partner or very close friends will hurt in a different way because I’m not done with them yet. There are still things I need them for, things I will want to share with them and things I can share only with them. Each of these people means something different to me and there are things that I share with each of them that the others wouldn’t understand.

An assured death, definitely sheduled to occur shortly, is that of my childhood cat. There were two of them but the first died two years ago of tongue cancer – apparently common in cats. Now the fat old mog has grown frail, her kidneys are lumpy, her heart murmury and her appetite lacking. I don’t think there will be time to go home and say goodbye.

Finally I fear for my grandmother. She is 80 today, and next week she is going to have surgery to remove a tumour from her bowel. I hope this will make her better – she has been getting weaker for the last year and it could be the tumour growth was sapping her strength. Or she could just be old. My brain has created a story around the situation: that my mother will sacrifice her beloved cat in order to save her mother. Will this satisfy death? In time I will know.


Like jumping off a cliff into some rapids

June 10, 2008

I have a small amount of dread that I am trying to contain for the sake of beloved who is straining at the seams and could probably use support more than a heap more worry. Soon we will have to move house.

Moving house in the logistical sense is not too bad as we won’t be going far and I have already enlisted the help of a man with a van. Ditching our deadweight housefolks will be emotionally straining (Housefolk Femme has already announced she is leaving). Moving in together as a couple will be nerve-wracking although after two years together sharing a room in the group house I think it will be ok. My partner believes it will leave him friendless but I think the opposite – it will encourage him to see more people more often than just relying on the people he lives with for entertainment and to go places with. I know that he knows people in the area, admittedly not as many as before, but he doesn’t get in contact with them. He’s as bad as I am! I hope it gives me a kick in the arse to do more things for myself too, both in meeting people to hang out with and in working on my personal projects. *sidenote: I am working on the design of my third cross stitch*

Choosing a house to live in will be difficult. It’s not something either of us have done for several years. It will also be the first time we’ve had a real grown up rental and not a student rental, which isn’t that weird because there are people with mortgages at our age but does mean we’ll have to get references, proof of employment and possibly credit checks. We will also have to find a house accepting of moggits. I have been looking on house ads and many of them say ‘no pets’. Some of them say ‘furniture optional’ which I think will be best: if it’s not their furniture they shouldn’t mind if the cat stratches it. We shall see how easy this is when we try to estate agents.

This is all of course in addition to the housing crisis that is currently afflicting the property market. Now I can have my very own little housing crisis.

#sad# stress and effort. I wish I could afford to buy but I have very little savings and a small pay packet (for low stress, good experience work which I like). Significant other doesn’t have a job at all which makes it worse, for I may have to do the whole thing in my name.

On the plus side, with the £4 we will have left over at the end of this we will be able to buy our very own furniture! #oh gods#