September 22, 2008
Goddamn. Random emotional turmoil is for teenagers. It would be so much easier to be emotionally dead. I’ve been thrown off since an emotional sex session when I looked into his eyes as he was coming but when it was my turn he shut his eyes and I couldn’t speak. I’ve been exposed and vulnerable since. I find myself trying to take responsibility for every bad thing that happens to him, pretending to myself that it was in my power to have prevented it and feeling bad for not doing.
Totally irrational. Completely unfounded. Really friggin irritating. I’m trying not to let it bring me down.
Aside from this I’ve had a good weekend with friends. We went to the awesome Cafe Soya and did meditations together. My spirit animal is a ladybird and it took me to stand in a blue fire. I have a guide that’s really tiny and easy to lose track of: what does that say about me? I also found it by falling flat out into some brambles (in the meditation). I think this symbolises how difficult I perceive it to be to get useful things out of my head. I make things hard for myself.
Also really friggin irritating.
I might start a page to make a list of bisexual icons. The biggest regret of my life was caused by not knowing that sexuality wasn’t a binary, and that liking boys didn’t have to get in the way of kissing a really amazing girl who was probably the first person I ever loved and who I probably really hurt with my unfounded rejection.
My other regret (anything else has apparently been forgotten or healed by time) was caused by alcohol. I offered to lend the same book to two people – poaching from the first person to give to the second who then disappeared with it forever. It was a couple of years ago but it still bothers me. I’m going to redress it by buying a new copy and giving it to the person I should have left it with in the first place.
September 16, 2008
I had another really vivid dream last night. This time I dreamed I was pregnant, including random details like how pissed off my dad was that I was ruining my career at this vital age and having to find a new house because where I live now doesn’t allow children. Then I found out it was twins and that one of them might have Downs. Which was sad, but also though that twins would be smaller and easier to push out.
I was very confused when I woke up.
September 16, 2008
The F Word has a great blog post today about something that has been on my mind regarding the ole feminism. When you join the feminist club part of the membership package includes a high powered snark cannon with a lasersight that reveals potential sexism everywhere. It’s easy to fire it off at every little thing you see but you might as well be shooting gnomes in your garden for all the good it will do. Yes, you’ll have significantly improved your own garden but what have you actually achieved for the greater good?
I don’t actually know the answer to that. I do feel better for not sweating the small stuff and stressing over things that aren’t important to me. For example, I don’t wear makeup because I’m lazy and it annoys me, not because I’m making some sort of feminist stand. But feminism defends my right not/to wear makeup if I want to, and supports my right to autonomy in all things. Now that I’ve shot that gnome I don’t need to think about it or debate it any more; it’s just not that relevant.
September 11, 2008
Amendment: did I say “demotion” in my last post? I meant redundancy. Sigh.
Still, not me. I’ve had my official debriefing with heavy emphasis on the “none of this was personal” aspect and detailed description of how all our work has been assessed on various catagories for the last few months. It is reassuring to know that I am working in a meritocracy, as any workplace should be. It means that web use and desk naps are not taken into account, just the quality of the work we produce. Strangely the changes, scheduled for Oct 1, will create an almost total gender balance in our part of the office from the existing mostly male writing team with female project managers. I don’t know if this will make any difference. Probably not. Personalities are far stronger than gender characteristics, but there are some people here of very limited understanding.
Since most of the housefolks moved out me and partner have been spending more time in each other’s pockets. I find this interesting because although we’ve been living in the same house for 2 years we’ve only just started formally sharing a room and with our only other housefolk little more than a cackle at the top of the stairs it is much more like living alone as a couple. A final stage of adjustment/trial of if we could or should live together. So far we have spent half this time with me ill and him nursing me. At the moment we are still in the transition phase, one night we couldn’t think of anything to do and moped about, last night we were full of giggles and ate noodles in bed while watching DVDs. I’m sure it will balance out.
An interesting thing that came up while watching said DVDs was a discussion about American dating practices as represented on TV. I was wondering if the multiple dating concept was as prevalent as TV makes out of if it’s a middle class urbanite thing, and partner said he didn’t like the idea at all and preferred the “once you ask someone out that’s who you’re dating” method, aka the British method. I told him that that was just a part of our culture to think that way and he looked concerned. I’m sure to him it feels as natural as cheese on a pizza but it is just a concept of our particular society. I think his concern was that I might believe that and want to date someone else. I do believe it, but I am quite happy being monogamous with him. Meritocraticly I believe he justifies this choice.
August 29, 2008
Yes I am sick, and I don’t do very well at being ill. So far today I have got up early to feed the cat and had two naps. My beautiful man-creature put me in the bath so I am relatively scum-free. Dizzy spells and wobbliness are far more fun than thick chest mucas but there hasn’t been too much of that. I don’t even know why I’m posting really, just that I should do it every weekday. I am also very pleased that I have had over 400 hits this month, though most of them based on searching daft things. Maybe I should consider telling a select few people I know to check it out. It just seems so… vain? I don’t know, I guess it’s kind of the point of blogging, to have an audience. But if I told people I would never know how far I could go, gathering accidental traffic and pretending that people read me.
August 26, 2008
Bolognese, my latest story, first draft, which I am aiming to polish and submit to a competition by the deadline 6 days from now. It should be ok. I will leave it a day or so and come back to it. I kinda feel bad; my last story was about an awful dumping and this is about remembering an abusive ex. Not all the men in my stories are bad. Tony is an ok guy. And the first story of my recent revival, the Electric Dude Interlude, is about a nice guy. I really like him. It’s a shame his story was so short. Maybe I’ll bring him back if I need him later.
“He’d left pans and knives out where I could find them but I had to root around for a strainer. Flipping open the cupboards I found a quarter bottle of whiskey – Bell’s – the same kind Eddie used to have. It’d been two years but I’d always remember. Number of times he threw those bottles at me I’m surprised I’m not still ringing. But Tony…”